You know when you are walking through a dark room, grabbing on to anything to keep yourself from falling? I have almost always tripped and fallen by the time I have reached the light switch, then you turn on the light and it's this overwhelming sense of awareness, it hurts your eyes, it takes you a minute to gain composure. Last night was like that, but emotionally. I have been walking around with my eyes and ears closed, too stubborn to open them. I have been grabbing on to everything possible to keep from falling, crying out for help and wondering why I hear nothing. Having fallen a few times, it surprised me, that sudden sense of awareness. He spoke to me through a friend, through a casual conversation. It was overwhelming, painful, thinking about how much I have ignored God as He called out to me. Now that some of the pain is gone, I feel so strong knowing that He will lead me through the dark, He will be a lamp to my feet. I have known that for as long as I can remember, but I think I was so blinded by my own selfish desires that without realizing it, I turned my back, I closed my eyes and covered my ears. I would have denied it, but deep down I was shutting Him out, refusing His help. Then I tripped and fell.
The thing that amazes my the most about all of this is that even though it breaks His heart for me to refuse Him, it brings Him joy to see me running back to Him. I continue to shut out His voice, but no matter what, He will never stop calling.
Like seeing a bright light after darkness, God's love has once again hut me hard and all I can do is praise and wonder what I did to deserve this kind of love, even though I already know the answer...
if His grace is an ocean, I'm drowning.